Goodbye to Everything.

A good day. I celebrated my 17th birthday by going to San Francisco, and hanging out in the Guitar Center there for two hours. I played some of the most awesome amps ever. Wayyy better selection than the one on Steven’s Creek. It was a lot of fun, even if I didn’t get anything.

Afterwords, we went to Pier 39 and ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. I got a shirt and a chicken sandwich. We wandered around the pier for a little while then came home.

Thank you all for wishing me a happy birthday. =)

Uncle Paul just came over a little while ago and told me you were on “You Tube.” I just watched “RIOT” and “For You” and I am impressed with your finger work. You are looking GOOD. Aunt Denise and Ellis were just here and I showed them your vid. They loved it too.

I read on your narrative for Riot that you have a “piece of crap webcam.” How much do you need to get an HD web cam so you can put out some quality vids?

I want to get one for you, just tell me exactly what brand you need.

Send me the details via e mail or send me a web site to see what you need.

See you soon.

Love Papa”

This put the fattest smile on my face and made my day. I love my Papa. ♥

write this post, my birthday is in four days. That’s it. Four days. And I haven’t the slightest clue what I want to do to celebrate it. I don’t even know who I want to invite. Sure, there’s plenty of people to choose from, but… I don’t know. I’m so bad about planning and inviting people and stuff, I never have birthday parties. I think the last time I did, I was maybe… thirteen? And I only invited one friend over to my cousin’s house for a pool party. I honestly can’t remember the last time I actually came up with an idea, and spent time with just my friends, instead of family. It’s rather sad really; Birthdays go by a bit underappreciated in my family. Especially my mom’s. That makes me feel terrible. But then, so does mine.

My last few birthdays have been a blink. I don’t remember anything special about them. No surprises, no parties, no remarkable gifts, nothing. How sad is that? Sure I want my birthday to be a special occasion. I’m not one of those people who’d rather have the day go unpublicized. I want to do something with my closest friends, take tons of pictures, and remember it forever. I want to talk about it years later. “Remember that one time, on your birthday? …that was so fun.” Come to think of it, I wish I had more memories like that period.

I just recently went to a birthday party for a friend, and I must say, it was a lot of fun. The best part was, there was nothing planned. Not even a singing of happy birthday and a cake. There was no formalities whatsoever. Everyone was just there to have a good time, and it was a good time. It’s amazing how, with the right people, every occasion is memorable. There doesn’t even have to be a specific celebration.

I want a birthday like that. A birthday where the people are memorable, not just the occasion. Where the moment is memorable. One where I can look back and say, “that was one of the best days of my life.” That’s all I want. Of course there’s materialistic things I want. Amps, guitars, a car, music, etc. But that all doesn’t really matter to me right now.

I just want to have a blast.

if you’re my friend, I admire something about you. Its usually a quality I wish I had myself, be it related to personality, talent, or otherwise. Most likely its the fact that you’re just, you. You’re happy with who you are, and it shows. You play to your strengths, because you know them well. You know how to have a good time. You never judge, assume, dramatize, chastise, or condescend. There’s a somewhat relaxed quality about you. There’s no immediate pressure to do what’s right, to fit in.

You’re smart, but in your own way. There’s never an instant of ignorance that spouts from your words. You have a great sense of humor, knowing when to joke and when being joked with. You always listen, no matter what. Your shoulder is always there for support. I could ramble on for days, and yet you never criticize. You make me realize my mistakes, and my potential. You let me know that I’m not alone in this world.

Granted, this is quite the idealistic description, but I do see some of this in all of you. I admire you all. Someday, I hope to tell you all exactly why individually.

And I can only hope that someday I can say the same things about myself.

shit right now. My throat is incredibly itchy and sore. My body is aching and tired. My head is pulsing. All I wanna do is sleep, even after taking an hour and a half nap.

Funny that I would choose this, of all days, to be productive. I’m certainly proud of it. =) This is the first time I’ve finished my homework diligently in a very, very long time. And yet there’s still more to do. I gotta study for a physics exam tomorrow that will likely rip my cortex out of my skull.

Yippee.

resistant to change?

In some situations it makes sense, but in some it doesn’t. For example— i know this is trivial, but— every time Facebook changes, people go nuts. As soon as it’s up and running, people are going wild saying “O MAI GAWD IT SUCKS WE WANT THE OLD ONE BACK.” It’s like… really? Who… cares? Why can’t we just embrace the change and learn the new format?

Maybe that’s it. We’re too lazy to figure out how the new one works. Or, in general, we’re too lazy to try and relearn, to absorb, to interpret, to figure out something new. Through my own experience, I’m discovering just how lazy the majority of humans are. The exceptions are the ones who get stuff done to progress society. The rest of us cannot truly say we are hardworking. Think about it. Think about all the stuff we use in our daily routine which decreases our effort. The computer. The television. Washers and dryers. Microwaves. All designed so we have more time to do what? Nothing. Nothing productive at least. Sure, you may be a hard-working soul at your job, but after that, are you anymore? Not many of us work diligently around the clock. But this kinda detracts from the point.

At the same time, we beg for change. We get so sick and tired of the same old thing every day. The same music, the same school, the same activities, the same schedule, the same shows, etc. It only takes us four to eight years to want a new president. Or even shorter in some cases. New pop songs come out almost weekly it seems, to quell the crowds aching for new dance beats. We get sick of eating the same thing after a couple of days. Why? Not only are we lazy, we’re restless. We need constant stimulation. We constantly want that high, excited feeling of experiencing something new. Once it wears off, we look for it again. It’s like a drug.

Now what does this all say about humans? We’re a needy bunch. We can never just settle for what we’ve got, or take things as they are. There’s always something better, something different, something more exciting than what we’ve got. And this attitude has its ups and downs as well. It helps advance society, but at the same time it causes it to regress. Our desire to change may bring about a better future. But then our refusal to accept change may leave us blindly stuck where we don’t want to be.

I guess all I’m saying is that there’s a time and place for change, and your attitude towards it should reflect that change. We should resist change that degrades, and accept change that needs to happen. And we must be inform ourselves enough to be able to tell the difference. As for trivial matters subject to change, we shouldn’t even let it bother us. Like Facebook, or Green Day.

I don’t want to be an American idiot.

disconnected. From everyone. And everything. I just don’t get it.

I’ve felt like this for a while now. Like, I’ve lost all sense of who I’m friends with, and who I want to be friends with. Almost like back in the old days of Junior High, where no one knew who they wanted to be, so we all adopted the same style, music, fashion, speech, and friends just to feel a sense of belonging. Yeah, that’s where I feel I’m at right now.

Only this time there’s some dissonance. I feel like I do know who I am, who I want to be, and who I want to be with. Like I should know these things by now. I know what kind of music I like. I know how I want to dress. I know what kind of friends I want. I know what I’m willing to do, and what I’ll refuse to do. So why do I feel so incredibly

left out?

I get this feeling the most when I’m standing in a group, having a conversation. People always talk about what they’ve just done with their friends, what they plan to do, and all these little inside jokes they’ve got. I’m always left listening; I never have anything valuable to contribute. It seems like they’ve all got their own network of friends that hang out whenever and wherever, and its always a good time. And they all sound so closely knitted. Such a tight group of friends that will do anything and everything together.

And i don’t belong to any of those groups.

Not one. I’m a floater. I can drift to any group and hang out with them for a bit, and talk to any of them without a problem. But that’s it. That’s all there is to my interaction. Just simple chatting. There’s no connection with anyone; no hilarity, no entertainment, no spending time together until there’s no more hours left in the day. No “hey Anthony, we’re gonna do this tomorrow. You in?” or “Hey Anthony you busy? wanna chill?” or even “Hey man, how’ve you been?” Its like everyone around me created their own niche without telling me, and I’m left here scratching my head, trying to find one to slide into.

And I hate doing that. Absolutely hate it. I feel like I’m imposing. Almost like I’m not welcome; like when little kids make their secret clubs and don’t let anyone in, save for the few who created the group. No matter how much you want to be a part of the club, you’ll never feel quite welcome, because you weren’t a part of it from the beginning.

And that’s where I’m at right now. I don’t really feel welcome anywhere. I’m not included. People don’t listen to me. I’m stepped in front of and cut out when standing in a circle. They’d much rather talk to the people around me than me. I wish I knew why. Maybe it relates to my “perfect” rant I posted a while ago. In my efforts to be the perfect friend to everyone, I was never able to make a meaningful connection with a group I wanted to be a part of. And now I’m paying the price for it.

I just want to fit in.

on the phone for a long time. I just had a two and a half hour conversation about life, relationships, and a bit of nothing with a good friend. Last time I did that was when it was basically mandatory. It certainly brought back a lot of nostalgia and good memories.

Is it wrong that I every so often recall a very fond memory of us, even after agreeing to let go and move on? Even after she’s done so much to evoke a loss of respect and care for her?

Out of sight, but never out of mind.

two 400 meter races in under 59 seconds today. =)

The first one was the open 400: 58.0 seconds. The second was in the 4x400 relay: 58.7 seconds. I’m happy.

That’s got to be the hardest race in track. And believe me, I’ve tried them all. None of them make me feel like my upper legs are gonna blow off quite like the 400 does. x)

We congratulated the seniors on their last year here with a quaint, informal ceremony after the meet. I’m gonna miss those guys next year. They’re one of a kind.

after you cry, you get this sort of euphoric, content feeling. Something akin to the feeling after you’ve just laughed so hard for quite a while. It’s a strange feeling. It leaves me at peace, at rest, like everything’s right with the world. Like, I’ve just released a demon inside of me, leaving nothing but purity.

I don’t like it when people change. When friends change. When love changes. I see it as a problem that needs to be fixed. And I dedicate my entire mind to resolving it. My mind never rests until it is, in my eyes, no longer a problem. I have a tendency to see the change in others as a result of my own actions. And that, makes my mind go insane. Thinking that I am the problem absolutely destroys me. I hate feeling like I’ve wronged someone, like someone has something against me. It’s a horrid feeling. I’m not a hateful person at all. So why give someone reason to hate me?

Now, the sensible person would shrug it off and say to themselves, who cares what other people think of me. But apparently, that’s not me. I have such an eager tendency to please, I cannot stand the thought of displeasing. In the eyes of others, i want to be perfect. And I’ve always been that way. I’ve always wanted others to view me as a perfect friend. As the one they could trust the most. As the one who had no problems, created no drama, never said a single hurtful thing behind their back. One who never held anything against them, one who always forgave them and talked to them no matter what. Nobody’s perfect, but why not be the first?

My mind seems to be my greatest enemy. In the quest of being a perfect person in the eyes of those around me, I haven’t had a chance to develop a sense of how to deal with those who don’t function as I expect them to. I expect people to be as mature as I am, to accept things for what they are and continue being kind. I expect people to treat me as I treat them: with unconditional respect and friendliness. I expect people to trust me as I am willing to trust them. And when someone does not meet these expectations, my mind turns into a demon. It throws every bit of sense out the window and fights to the death to make sure I’m not the one doing wrong here. I never want to be wrong.

Now, said person could tell me— its not me, its them. I’m not doing anything wrong. But when my mind sees no change in their behavior, it reverts back to demon mode and seeks an answer. It needs an answer. Why haven’t you changed? Why are you still not my friend? What can I do to fix it?

And that’s the thing. Sometimes, there is no answer. There is no fixing. There is nothing in this world I can do, but wait. And that sends my mind into an absolute rage. I just want everything to be right.

Life doesn’t need stress. Or does it? My mind seeks to end all sources of stress that exist in my relationships. It just wants to be perfect.

I wish that euphoric feeling lasted forever.

the paper monster living in my binder/desk drawer.

feels good. =)

just in time to meet my curfew. =)

I went to Vojta/Sean Randall’s birthday party at Brett Hall’s house. Got to play drums and watch Berto lick a snail. lots of fun.

the way i’m living right now. at all. I put off things that should be done. I spend my nights wasting away staring at this very same screen. I don’t go to bed until, at the earliest, 12 now. And it’s not like i’m up doing homework all night. Nope, i just sit here, waiting for something to kick me in the ass to do it.

My body is a wreck. My shoulders haven’t recovered from wrestling, I have two fat knots in my hamstrings, my feet ache, I have shin splints, and now my lower back/right hip hurts. My neck cracks in at least five places whenever I turn it quickly. And yet i’m too lazy to do anything about it all.

I’ve developed quite a sweet tooth recently. I tend to eat the sweetest things in the house, and I eat a lot of them. Thankfully there’s never a huge supply of confections.

Which brings me to another personal issue. I have horrid self-control/discipline. I favor instant gratification over delayed gratification way too much. I spend money on lunch instead of saving it. I eat till my gut is ready to explode. I can have three or four nervous habits going at any one time. I play guitar every once in a while, but not nearly as much as I should. I never study for school on my free time. Or even exercise. If it weren’t for track, I would be a fat, lazy blob right now.

I almost never help out around the house either. I could help with the dishes, fold laundry, or even do my own laundry, but I don’t. Staring at a computer screen and typing to friends is much more important. (sarcasm.)

I haven’t signed up for an SAT all year, and I haven’t even begun to look at colleges. I haven’t started applying for jobs. I haven’t tried learning all of the songs for the band I’m trying to be a part of. I waited until the very last minute just to take my license test.

I take for granted the amazing genetic gifts I’ve been blessed with. I have a fast metabolism and incredible innate coordination and fitness. (in the past couple of weeks I’ve been told to try out for two sports I’ve never played before in my life, soccer and tennis.) I learn really fast, and I remember ridiculous amounts of information. Honestly, these gifts are keeping me afloat right now. Which isn’t how it should be. I should instead be embracing these gifts, and improving them. Not relying on them to pull me out from underneath my flaws of excessive laziness and lack of motivation.

All this shit that’s built up is the result of my biggest personality flaw: repression. Instead of facing a task and taking care of it, I procrastinate and put it off. When more and more build up, I shove them all into a dark corner of my mind and pretend they don’t exist. For a long time. And that’s how I’ve always dealt with my personal responsibilities and family issues. I don’t face them. I ignore them completely. I tell myself, its better not to let it get to me and to just forget about them. Why stress myself out? But I need to be stressing. I need to let it bother me. In a good way. It should stress me out to the point where I do something about it. I really wish it did. Friend issues bother me like that. But not my own issues. Why?

I need to find a way to list all of my priorities (as I pretty much have above) and focus only on that. I need some self control. I need to get a grip on things. On everything. On myself. I think I’ve corrupted my own mind with the image of being a perfect child back when I was younger.

It’s turning me into the opposite.