Goodbye to Everything.

are in.

2050.

I did it! I broke 2000.  =)

already sucks. Majorly. My legs decided to give up today, and I feel like I don’t even know my best friend anymore.

And it’s only Monday. Hello two Calculus tests, cross country practice, physical therapy, skit practice, budget project, guitar lessons, and SAT scores. All in five days.

Goodbye motivation.

learning new things. Check that, I love to get good at new things I try.

I played Street Fighter yesterday at Sean’s birthday party. I still suck majorly at that game, but I’m much better than I was before the party.

And now, I can spin a pen on my thumb. YES.

:D

excited for other people’s success sometimes.

Vicariousness somewhat makes up for what I want to feel.

have an urge to perform. I want to be on stage playing something with passion, emotion, and intensity, no matter what instrument. I love that rush of excitement that comes with letting loose what’s inside through the picking of a guitar or the pounding of the drums.

There’s nothing like it.

michiko:

cybercomplex:

The cat is both dead AND alive. We don’t know until we open the box.

but. just because you don’t know whether it’s dead or alive doesn’t mean it’s both. how can something be dead and alive? unless you are a veget able… or a published author ?

or a zombie.

I ran two miles in 12:04 today. Completely obliterated my time of 13:21 two weeks ago.

Damn I was so pumped.

=)

anything right in my own eyes.

holy fuck.

certainly put me in a much better mood. =)

Some people just know how to make me happy. Even if they realize it or not.

And I’d much rather make a fool of myself dancing for the skit than at a school dance.

just to spell it out
so no-
body can twist what i’m talking about
I don’t
have to fake anything I feel
because
we both know every word is real.

-Mike Shinoda.

I spend so much effort harboring my own thoughts and reactions about something, that I have no idea how I feel about it anymore.

Today I saw something guaranteed to elicit a reaction out of me. Or so I thought. Instead I simply stated “well look at that,” and kept on walking. As I continued to walk, I found I had no clue how I felt about it. I don’t even know how I should’ve reacted, be the reaction true to myself, or true to society. I definitely wanted the reaction to be true to myself. But I don’t even know what that is anymore. So much pressure to stop feeling has squeezed my emotions dry. Yet my subconscious still runs rampant, leaving me confused. I’ve replaced my outer and inner emotions with a wall, and now I can’t understand—or accept—my subconscious feelings.

Like the post before this says, my fear of abandonment outweighs my acceptance of self.

amphibian:

dearcoketalk:

Are there any tips you can give a girl on how to be less of a doormat? I let people walk all the fuck over me, and I have pretty much my whole life. I know the response I’m going to get is probably something like “Well cut it out, tell people to fuck off.” I know it should just be as simple as that but it’s really just never been that easy for me. And if that’s really the only way, then cool, but I thought I would ask anyway.

Telling people to fuck off is easy. That’s not your problem.

Your problem is you’re terrified that they actually might go and fuck off.

Your fear of abandonment outweighs your need for a little respect, and so all the assholes that worm their way into your life tend to stay there because you’ll put up with their shit when other folks won’t.

Deal with your abandonment issues. Overcome your fear of losing people and replace it with the realization that your life would actually be better if all the assholes were out of it.

You have to be willing to lose people before telling them to fuck off has any weight behind it. Otherwise, an asshole will call your bluff every time.

This isn’t about being a hard ass. It’s about having self respect. No one else will ever respect you if you don’t first.

If someone disrespects you, let them know. Allow them to apologize. Do not turn the other cheek. If they fuck with you again, simply cut them out of your life.

Pretty soon, you’ll no longer need to tell people to fuck off, because you’ll be surrounded by good people who don’t treat you like a doormat.

my son! i happened upon your “why is it” essay. WOW! you expressed the complexities of love and relationships so beautifully, it nearly brought me to tears! you are an amazing young man and your path will lead to many treasures! just remember to stay true to yourself and the rest of life’s puzzle pieces will fall into place! Love you mucho!

Dad”

=)

Maybe I was in love.

in the shadow of my past. And I have no idea how to get out of it.

Doesn’t help that there are clouds everywhere.

me, and all I see are questions, problems, reminders.

and no answers.

=\

The past leaves such a vivid impression on people. It seems there’s no stopping them from assuming all other experiences will follow suit with the one bad experience.

People don’t always deserve a second chance. But life does.

so hard to stop loving?

I approached an old high school classmate at the Paws for a Cause walk today. He greeted me with his usual limp-handed high five, but something about him wasn’t quite as usual. He had a distant look in his glossy brown eyes, that look when something is occupying ninety percent of your mind, and you can’t shake it off. “Did you see her?” he asked, still distracted.

“Yes, I did.”

“Was she with another guy?”

“No, she was with her friend.”

At first, I didn’t know what to make of this greeting. Of course I knew exactly who was on his mind, but, why? His demeanor came off as somewhat immature, like a little kid who can’t stop mushing about his crush. But this was much more than that. Way deeper. He’d only been out of the relationship for two months, having been in it for fourteen. And unfortunately, the stain of love had yet to come off.

The emotion of love and it’s impact on the human mind has got to be one of the most complex and intricate concepts in the feasible universe. I’d venture out to say we are the only creatures capable of such a feeling. Sure, animals can love, but not to the extent that us humans do. This feeling to us is so much more personal, more meaningful. It captivates our psyche and immerses our soul. It teases us like a deadly sin, and has the capacity to crush our being unlike any other force in the world. Funny how such a daunting feeling is so inescapable.

There is no fighting that feeling of love. It bites you in the heart and it travels to your head. Once there, the intoxication is inevitable. Like that initial inhale, your mind needs more of it. And once you’ve found a steady source, your mind falls into love’s clutches, surrendering any and all resistance. Try as you might, you will never win a war against it.

Now remove that steady source. What becomes of your poor mind? The arms of love which held you tight have let go, let you fall. And the only thing you want to reach for is that steady source. It’s the only thing you can reach for to quench your abandoned thirst. It’s the only thing you want to reach for.

But you can’t. Because the source is gone. An empty cup provides no more water, no matter how far you tilt it back. Yet the mind doesn’t let go. And that’s when the battle begins. It’s a fight to either renew the source, find a new source, or to refuse the need of a source. That last option is an instigation of misery, believe me.

I may not fully understand the frame of mind of my friend, but I have a good idea of where he’s at. It’s incredibly easy for an observer to tell a lover to move on, as I told him myself. Now, I regret those words. It’s not something to move on past, simply because the source is gone. Love is too immense of a feeling to be pushed aside. It seems rather immature to hang on to it, as if having no self-control or independence. But that’s not the case. Love is entirely its own set of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, none of which can be classified as immature. Even the smartest of us fall victim to it. Rather than instruct them to move on, we must wean them off their addiction by providing them with other sources of love. This may ultimately prove ineffective as well; love is unstoppable.

It would be foolish to try and stop it.

worth
fighting for.
But its the little
petty
shit
that I
can’t ignore.

When my fist
hits your face,
and your face
hits the floor,

it’ll be a long time coming.

Sick Puppies - You’re Going Down.

two mile race ended in 13:21.

I know I haven’t been training for five weeks, but damn that’s slow. I felt like shit when I finished too.

And I totally bombed my Calculus test today. God dammit.

my train of thought is, the simplest of things make me happy.

If only for a moment.

to the exit
we can’t afford to watch you
resort to this.”

This was a pretty good weekend. I went up to Rescue to visit relatives and attend a pizza-puff party my uncle and aunt were throwing. I played ping-pong about 80% of the time i was there. <3

Before going to the party, I got started on my three CSU apps: Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, Cal Poly Pomona, and San Jose State. And I just submitted those three about fifteen minutes ago. Now I just have to work on that Stanford app, and the three UC’s: Berkeley, San Diego, and Santa Barbara.

I finally bought some new running shoes today as well. But now I have a hamstring cramp in BOTH legs. Wow. I hope my physical therapist won’t mind helping me with that. I think I can start guitar lessons again this week.

Life’s just getting better and better.

michiko:

2 hours

and i can’t think of any solution.

how could you embed a video onto the hatchet website…WITHOUT first uploading it onto youtube/vimeo/etc…all of which are blocked from our school computers?

If it’s any consolation, Youtube is in the works of being unblocked. I have inside sources.

:o

run two miles in 13:46. Even after taking five weeks off, having limited range with my shoulder and incredibly tight hamstrings, and jogging 2.5 miles prior to to that.

I ♥ running.